roses are red & violets are violet – didn’t you get the memo?

is friend zoning yourself a thing? I think it is, because in all my interpersonal relationships I have, I sort of inadvertently friend zone myself and everyone else along with me, in the sense that I cannot stand tense moments and will go out of the way to defuse such situations with a wisecrack or a sarcastic remark, and end up being that awesome bro/wingman sort of character. Yes, enough guy friends have declared me ‘bro enough’, so now I’m an honorary bro, kind of… except idk what benefits are there, except shit-talking about games and making reeally crude jokes that I wouldn’t make with my other normal friends. And while I recognize the fact that I’m not exactly attractive, I don’t look as bad as an orc from Lord of the Rings, and somehow they reproduce like it’s running out of style, like dude, how fast do they mature and become cannon fodder?!

It’s not that I can’t do relationships, considering that I have participated in at least two short-lived affairs (and I cringe at how non-relationship-like I am in them, seriously, it’s a DADT thing), and gods know how avidly I ship fictitious characters and read about them, so I should know something about romance, right? In fact, I think the things that I have read about would probably even shock the silly writer of 50 Shades of Grey, considering how terrible her steamy scenes are written. Really, lady, go read some good fics and feel embarrassed by the drivel you have produced. Or maybe you’re laughing all the way to the bank a la Liberace because enough silly folks have decided that buying your books are a good way to spend their money. Ah, what do they say about fools and money being easily parted?

But I digress. And maybe I should continue digressing, because really, the main reason why I’m not in a relationship is because I’m not equipped to deal with all the trappings of one, and probably also because mainstream media taught me not to settle for anything less than a boombox outside of my house, or badly written ‘roses are red, violets are blue‘ poems… actually, scratch that, my notions of romance is clearly 80s movies and terrible pickup lines, so yeah, this is why I don’t do relationships, and people, stop asking me why I don’t have a boyfriend already… (Yes, two acquaintances were rude enough to comment pointblank ‘no boyfriend, right?’ and I’m like, ‘is it etched on my forehead or what?’) Because maybe I’m just waiting for a lovely girl to sweep me off my feet? Why not, eh, let’s have some gender equality everywhere, even in my personal love life.

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