I’m going back to the start

maybe I’m just resigned, or jaded, to the fact that adulthood means independence, and along with that independence, is the notion of solitude. That solitude is the natural state for everyone; we’re brought into the world alone (most of us, at least), and eventually we leave it alone too (most of the time, unless extenuating circumstances arise.)

it feels as though it’s much easier to be alone nowadays, easier to make plans for one than for a whole group, easier to just decide on a whim to go or leave, without having to consider about any other people.

and then there’s no unpleasantness about the whole situation when you’re out alone, no obligations to anyone, no reasons to stand on any ceremonies, no need to put on a show and a dance for other people just so you can pass off as normal and ‘fine’, and no need to feel disappointment or resentment or displeasure.

it’s less taxing in so many ways to go out by yourself, wander around the brightly lit streets and weave yourself around the throngs of people who walk arm in arm, side by side, crowd after crowd. There’s no one to hold you back, and you feel as though you can walk to the ends of earth by yourself.

you find yourself sitting in the darkest corner of the bar, with the lights so dim, you can hardly read, and you end up just gazing at the people around you, carousing loudly without cares or concerns, and you smirk a little to yourself, as though you would be so crude. As though you’ll let yourself be vulnerable.

and you decide to take the scenic route home, on board a noisy and crowded bus, as people jostle you, eking out a suitable space for themselves, but you pay them no attention, because you’re lost in the world you’ve created, in the atmospheric music that you play to shut out the rabble around you.

and there you are, alone in a carefully carved spot, walking to the beat of your own drum even as you find yourself off sync with everyone else. They know how the song goes and they can follow it. You doubt you remember the song, so used to making your own one up as you go along.

It’s a vague memory and you only know the beginning from your childhood days, but it’s okay, because it’s easier to play a solo piece than be part of the orchestra or even a part of a duet.